Changes
by butterscotch19
Summary: Can Santana forgive and forget? Will Brittany deliver? Can they overcome the hurt and start anew or will they regretfully continue living their lives apart? This story takes us into the lives of Brittany and Santana as they enter into the painful world of reality and commitment.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

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"San, c'mon sweetie, she's not coming."

"No Quinn. She might just be stuck in traffic; you know how it is here in Manhattan and besides, she's only 20 minutes late. Call her Q."

_RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. Hey! You've reached Brittany S. Pierce. I can't come to the phone right now – it's either I'm with San or I'm fighting with Lord Tubbington 'coz I caught him smoking again. Anyway, just leave a message after the beep. BEEP._

"Sweetie…she's not picking up her phone."

"Call her again, maybe she just can't hear her phone. You know how she loves plugging her earphones when she rides a car alone."

"San…"

"Just do it Quinn!"

_RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. Hey! You've reach-_

"Please tell me she picked up. Please…"

"Sweetie…"

"Give me your phone. Maybe you just dialled the wrong number."

_RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. RING. Hey! You've reached Brittany S. Pierce. I can't come to the phone right now – it's either I'm with San or I'm fighting with Lord Tubbington 'coz I caught him smoking again. Anyway, just leave a message after the beep. BEEP._

"He-ey…B, where are you? I'm here at the church already. Maybe you're just caught in traffic. I'll wait for you okay? I love you Britt."

_An hour and half later…_

"San…the guests left half an hour ago…it's only me and you here."

"I know she's coming. She can't possibly leave me at the altar. Maybe the limo broke down or there might be an accident somewhere or maybe her dress broke or… or…"

"San…let's just go back to the hotel. Maybe she's still there?"

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As soon as my own limo stopped in front of Britt's hotel, I quickly got out and entered the revolving doors praying that my soon-to-be wife is just still in her room. Quinn caught my arm and slowed me down to a stop as we saw someone approach us. At this point, I couldn't really focus on anyone and anything but the grip that Quinn had on me – grounding and reassuring me that everything's going to be fine and her voice asking-

"Hey Kurt, is Brittany still at her room? We've been waiting for over an hour."

Kurt looked pale – like really pale and he just kept opening and closing his mouth. Out of my hazy vision, I could see his head shaking from side to side and that's when I felt my knees hitting the cold marble floor of the hotel lobby. Tears were running down my face but I didn't care. I was gasping for air and clutching Quinn's dress but I didn't care. Other hotel guests were giving me scandalized looks but I didn't care. All I cared about was that the love of my life left me and that pretty much sucked – big time.

Quinn and Kurt helped me get on my feet and I vaguely remember getting once again in the limo. I heard Quinn tell the limo driver to drive to _our_ – scratch that – _my_ place. I remember staring out the window as the driver maneuvered his way out of the busy streets of Manhattan. I remember throwing my engagement ring, while inside the limo, in a fit of despair and I remember Quinn retrieving it and enclosing it in a silk handkerchief. I vaguely remember arriving in _my_ apartment complex. I remember the elevator ride with Quinn and Kurt and I remember the song that blasted through the speakers – Songbird – the song that should have been _our_ first dance as a married couple. I remembered the panicked look on Quinn's face since I asked her to change the set list at the last minute as a surprise for Brittany. I remembered getting out of the elevator with Quinn and Kurt in tow and just staring at _my_ apartment door. I remember Quinn getting the key from her purse and opening the door while I was slowly pushed inside by Kurt. I vaguely remember getting out of my wedding dress and into a pair of sweats but I guess Quinn helped me with that. I remember lying down on my side of the bed and feeling cold since there's no one to spoon me anymore. I vaguely remember getting any sleep but I do remember Quinn's voice talking with someone over the phone. I remember that a few minutes later _my_ bedroom door opened and Mercedes and Sugar came in to check on me. I remember them saying that they dealt with the guests and everything that needed to be dealt with and I was eternally thankful for that.

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I guess I must have drifted off to sleep when I was woken by hushed voices inside _my_ bedroom. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around – piles of boxes were strewn about and all of the closets and drawers opened.

"Hey guys…what are you doing with Britt's stuff?" I asked, whilst rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and sitting up.

"San…sweetie," Quinn approached _my_ bed and tucked a loose hair behind my ear. She held my hand and looked me in the eye, "this came in while you were sleeping." She held a white envelope in her hands and I quickly snatched it and took the piece of paper inside. I unfolded the white sheet and I immediately recognized Britt's handwriting – but what I couldn't wrap my mind around was the simple two-word message written on it: _I'M SORRY. _

"Don't leave anything behind guys." I heard myself say. I still couldn't believe everything that has happened for the last ten or so hours. "I'm just gonna get a glass of water." My feet dragged me to the kitchen while my mind was still somewhere in the bedroom and reading that note. I got a glass and filled it with water from the sink but I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Suddenly, I felt my feet encountering something cold and when I looked down, I saw that I have dropped the glass of water.

Quinn was the first person to arrive in the kitchen followed by Kurt, Mercedes and Sugar. Quinn guided me away from the broken glass and onto a chair while Kurt cleaned up the mess. Mercedes got me a new glass of water and Sugar checked if I had any cuts – luckily, the only cut I was getting that day was a painful yet metaphorical slash across my heart.

I didn't even know that I was already crying until I felt Quinn's strong arms enveloping me into a tight hug. I couldn't bring myself to hug her back since I felt like all the strength and hope that I had seemed to evaporate into thin air.

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I don't remember returning to _my_ room after the kitchen incident but here I was in a new pair of sweats and lying on my side of the bed again. However, this time, I felt the presence of another person next to me and when I turned my head, my heart skipped a beat in seeing blonde hair but when I took a proper look, it was just Quinn. I sighed in disappointment and looked around the dimly lit room. The boxes were now gone and the closets and drawers are now closed. I looked down on my side of the bed and saw Mercedes, Sugar and Kurt sharing a futon and a blanket. I don't know whether to be annoyed or touched by their worrying. I slowly eased my way out of the bed – careful of waking Quinn or accidentally tripping on Mercedes or Kurt or Sugar – and went to the living room. I didn't know why I went there but my feet stopped right in front of _our_ home videos and I vaguely remember grabbing one CD from the rack and inserting it into a DVD player. I settled myself in front of the TV and watched as one of my favorite memories played before my eyes -

_It was a late in the afternoon when Britt decided that she wanted to play in the snow in Central Park. I of course couldn't refuse even if I tried so here we are, dressed in God knows how many layers of clothing while walking hand in hand around Central Park. We stopped half-way on the bridge and I felt Britt let go of my hand. I turned around and saw her on bended knees looking up expectantly at me while behind her stood, Kurt gripping a video camera, Quinn holding a cupcake box and Sugar tossing red rose petals on the snow-covered ground. I stood frozen on the spot while Britt-Britt just had this smile that could light up the world. I saw her get something from her coat pocket and when I took a peek, all I saw were words that were written in crayon. She took a deep breath and read what was in that very big piece of paper:_

"_Santana Marie Lopez, you've been my best friend and the love of my life for as long as I can remember; I love you for everything that you are and for everything that you do for me – for us. I love that you make me strawberry pancakes when I'm feeling sick. I love that you still sing to me every night even if you're tired from work. I love that you do the laundry 'coz you know that I hate doing it. I love that you get so engrossed in the books that you read before we go to bed. I love that you still get scared of any type of horror movie. I love that you kiss the pain away when I get a cut or when I burn my fingers when I try to cook you something. I love that you eat everything that I cook for you even though it doesn't taste as great as it should be. I love you San, always have, always will, so, can you please be Mrs. Pierce?"_

_I chuckled at that while wiping the tears that have escaped my eyes. I pulled her up and as I was about to say yes –_

"_Oh San! Wait! I forgot something!"_

_She turned around and motioned for Quinn. As Britt got handed the cupcake box, she knelt once more while slowly taking of the lid. At the center of the box lay a simple chocolate cupcake with a ruby red engagement ring stuck in the middle. _

"_Again, and this time I didn't forget anything, I think. Will you please be Mrs. Pierce?"_

"_Pierce? I think I want to be a Lopez-Pierce."_

"_Hmmmm…"_

_We then heard Kurt yelling, "Oh just kiss already!"_

"_I think Lopez-Pierce sounds amazing." And then we kissed._

It got to a point where I was like a robot – getting a CD from the rack, placing it inside the DVD player, watching the video and repeating the process until I saw the first rays of the sun entering _my_ living room window. Watched CD's were strewn about the living room floor but I couldn't care less. Quinn and the gang sat beside me while I clutched my knees and cried but I still didn't care even if I have an audience now.

"Sweetie, c'mon let's get you something to eat okay?" Kurt said while trying to get me on my feet.

I just ignored him and stared blankly once more at the TV screen where it showed _us _laughing.

"Will I ever laugh again?" I asked no one in particular.

I heard Sugar's voice from my right, "When something's really, really funny, you'll laugh again."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

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For the last three days, I can't remember _my_ apartment having at least three persons in it at any given time let alone without Lord Tubbington. Even though I kind of hated the fat cat, I actually miss him glaring at me from under the couch or atop the coffee table – the highest place that he can reach.

The gang – as I've found to call Quinn, Kurt, Mercedes and Sugar – have yet to leave me alone; I don't think that they're planning to – well, not so soon anyway. I really am thankful for them. They make sure that I eat, sleep, take a bath and watch or do anything that isn't Brittany-related for my sanity I guess. I'm really thankful for the company, it makes me forget about everything, but sometimes, all I want is to be alone so I could forget how to feel. Sometimes, it just hurts to feel.

I still have my 'emotional diva' moments – as Kurt fondly called them – whenever I see or remember something that is Brittany-related. I saw some children's TV show a while ago which featured ducks and I just lost it. Crying sucks – it makes your eyes red and your nose pink and sometimes, also your whole face and neck. Even though ethnic people don't blush, I think that all the crying that I did for the past few days made me an exemption. I still haven't laughed or even smiled and I think I won't ever again – and that's okay 'coz I don't want to smile or laugh if it isn't Brittany-related.

I miss her so much. I don't think I could ever miss her as much as I miss her right now. I miss the way she wrinkles her nose and shakes her head when I try to give her medicine when she's sick. I miss making strawberry pancakes for her when she's not feeling well. I miss singing to her every night. I miss kissing her burnt fingers when she tries and fails to make breakfast or dinner. I miss eating the almost non-edible dishes that she cooks. I even miss doing the laundry. I miss going with her to the vet when Lord T. needs his fur and nails trimmed. I miss her dancing around the house regardless of any tune. I miss hiding in the crook of her neck while watching any type of horror movie. I miss stealing kisses just because I can. I miss her laugh that could fill the whole apartment. I miss her blue eyes. I miss her pouty lips. I miss every single freckle in her body. I miss that she still wears my clothes at times even though it fits a little more snug on her. I even miss cleaning the apartment with her. But most of all, I miss her holding me at night – reassuring me with whispered promises that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other.

Right now, all I have is an apartment that no matter how many people are in, can never seem as full as when _she_ and Lord T. were here.

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I don't remember booking any flights but apparently I, along with the gang, am bound to Hawaii in a few hours. I was about to protest that I don't want to go but I didn't have the strength in me to argue with two divas, one ex-HBIC and one with Asperger's. Quinn has been packing my stuff since the crack of dawn and Kurt has been on the phone since I opened my eyes – probably checking and re-checking the flight schedule or the hotel that we're staying at. Mercedes and Sugar have been keeping me company in the living room while I just stared out into the balcony overlooking the city. Even if I'm leaving this apartment for only a few days, I'm still going to miss it 'coz this may be the only concrete connection that I have with _her_.

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Eight hours later and I'm sitting first class, with Quinn and Sugar on my left and Kurt and Mercedes in front of us. I chose the window seat so I wouldn't have to talk or pretend to even be listening to their conversations. I plugged on my earphones, put on my aviators and was about to sleep throughout the flight when Quinn nudged me if I wanted chicken or beef.

"San, wake up sweetie. Dinner time."

"Huh? What?"

"It's dinner time. Do you want chicken or beef?"

"I don't wanna eat Q…too sleepy."

"Sweetie, you have to eat. Just a few bites? And then we'll let you sleep for the rest of the ride okay?"

"Chicken."

After eating three bites of my chicken tarragon, I nudged Q to let her know that I have eaten a few bites and I just wanted to sleep. She nodded, though reluctantly and let me sleep in peace.

It was a few hours later when I was again shaken lightly by Quinn. I looked out the window and saw the first rays of light hitting the tarmac.

"San, we're here. We need to get out of the plane now."

I rubbed my eyes and looked around at the people gathering their carry-ons and being ushered by the stewardesses to the exit. "I slept through the landing? Must be more tired as I thought I was."

We were cleared at customs, got our bags at the carousel thing and proceeded to get into an airport taxi where Kurt gave the taxi driver the address to our hotel. On our way to the hotel, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed as I watch the beautiful landscape go by. Brittany would have loved Hawaii.

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Checking-in to the hotel was easy since Sugar and Kurt apparently smoothed everything out. We got two suites that had a connecting living room in the middle. Quinn and I would be staying in one suite and rest at the other suite. Since we arrived a little after dawn, we were all feeling a little bit sleepy and jet-lagged so we decided to sleep for a while and meet at the connecting living room a little after lunch to discuss where to eat. We each got our bags and headed to our respective suites.

Quinn and I unpacked in silence since we're still too tired and afterwards, just collapsed onto the bed without even bothering to change our clothes. I couldn't sleep even though I'm so tired. I wish _she_ were here right now. _She _always knew what to do.

"Quinn?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you hold me 'til I fall asleep?"

"Of course sweetie."

I closed my eyes while willing myself to sleep as frustrated tears streamed down my face. It still wasn't the same but I could at least pretend that she's here with me even for a few minutes.

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I woke up to the smell of something coconut-y and when I opened my eyes, Mercedes was holding a bowl filled with something that looked like soup and smelt like coconut. "It's lunch time Santana, I brought you some soup."

"Not hungry Cedes."

"C'mon, just a few sips."

I don't know why I don't have the appetite to eat. I also don't know why all I want to do is to sleep all the time. Maybe this is what people feel like when they've lost their reason to survive. I appreciate Cedes' efforts, so I just uttered a simple, "Still tired," and went back to sleep.

Again, I woke up to the smell of food and when I opened my eyes, Kurt was holding a plate filled with triangularly shaped sandwiches and some weird looking chips. "It's dinner time sweetie, you need to eat just a little bit okay?"

This time, I didn't even bother to answer and just went back to sleep. I think that dreams are better than reality 'coz when I sleep and dream, it's mostly always about Brittany. Though it's also mostly about her being out of my reach, I'll take what I can have – even if my dreams are essentially 'nightmares' since I can't have her, at least I get to see her for a few moments.

A few hours later, I felt the bed dip and I heard someone's voice talking to me.

"You can't sleep all day San. You haven't eaten a full meal today."

"I don't care."

"Well, unfortunately for you, we care, I care. So unless you get out of bed or even try to eat a few bites, I won't leave you. And I'll keep nagging you until you eat something."

I sighed in defeat. "What do you want me to do Q?"

"I want you to get out of bed, take a bath, get dressed and join us for a very late dinner."

"I'm tired Q."

"Well I'm tired too Santana! I'm tired of seeing my best friend starve herself to death or – or sleep all day just to forget the numbing pain of being left behind! I hate that you're suffering San, I really do but you've got to help yourself as well. Please San…"

"Fuck you Fabray!" I shouted as I felt tears stream down my face. I stood up from the bed and faced her shocked figure, "You don't know what it's like for the love of your life to leave you at the altar! You don't know the feeling of hoping against hope that she'll come around and come back! I'd rather starve to death or sleep myself to death than knowing that I can never get a shot at happiness again!"

"San…I…"

"Fuck you! You know how many times I replayed every single detail that happened the week before the wedding?! Do you even know how many?! I've been driving myself crazy thinking that maybe I made her leave me at the altar, that maybe I'm the problem! I just…I don't know what to do or – or even think anymore Quinn. I just don't know…"

I felt my knees buckle and hit the wooden floor of the suite. I gathered my knees close to my chest as I rocked myself back and forth while crying angry tears. I hate feeling like this. I hate all the crying that I've been doing lately. I hate the sympathy. But most of all, I hate feeling helpless.

Quinn sat beside me and engulfed me in a fierce hug, her own tears streaming down her face. "Shhhh…I'm sorry for forcing you San…I'm sorry…I'm really sorry…"

"Don't be, it's not going to bring her back…I just…I don't want to hurt anymore…"

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The next day at lunch, I went out to the patio wearing a wife-beater, shawl, shorts and aviators. Sugar saw me first and waved from where the gang was eating lunch.

"Hey guys…" I said weakly while taking a seat.

"Glad you decided to join us San," Quinn offered a smile while passing me a bowl of soup.

"How are you feeling?" Mercedes asked.

I just shrugged in response and sipped my soup quietly while the gang got back to their conversation. After ten minutes, I finished my soup and was about to grab a piece of cantaloupe when Kurt's chair tipped backwards sending him flying to the bushes.

I heard giggling and then all out laughing – I even surprised myself that it was I who was making that sound. The others were also shocked to see and hear me laugh for the first time in days that they forgot to help Kurt get out of the bushes. Sugar was right, when something was really, really funny, I did laugh.

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**A/N: Please review :) I also have another story entitled "Chances" you might wanna check it out :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

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It's been three months since the Hawaii trip. I haven't heard from _her_ ever since the note and I think that it's better this way. It's still a little weird living alone though. Sometimes, I unconsciously prepare too much food for breakfast – food for two people – food for _us_. Just the other day at the grocery, I was about to buy _her_ favourite brand of detergent then I remembered that I'm still living alone.

I've actually been better. I don't cry that much at night – especially since all that I do nowadays is stay in the office and work myself to sleep or until I'm the last person in the building.

Since the day that _she_ left me at the altar, Quinn has been in charge of splitting all of our documents, joint bank accounts and what not – aside from the apartment which _she_ insisted that I take. Just two months prior, I received exactly half of everything that we owned together and then I thought to myself, 'What would I do with all this money?' – so, I bought a Ducati dirt bike and enrolled myself in motocross.

Just last weekend after my motocross class, Quinn was nagging me about my new hobby saying that it's too dangerous and that if I wanted to die, she'd strangle me herself. I just shrugged in response and the following day, proceeded to sky dive. She almost got a heart attack from that one.

"_Santana Marie Lopez! What the hell is wrong with you?! Sugar called me when she can't reach you this morning and when I tried to call you, my calls kept going to voicemail!" Quinn said after she stormed inside my apartment an hour after I got home._

"_I was out."_

"_And where were you exactly?"_

"_Long Island."_

"_What the hell were you doing in Long Island?"_

"_I was sky diving."_

_After I said that, I could see the vein in Quinn's neck and forehead about to pop, "Sky diving?! What the hell were you thinking?!"_

"_I heard some guy in the office say that it was fun."_

"_So you just thought that you also wanna try sky diving? Great Santana. Just great. What is this? Some sort of late-twenties crisis? You do know that people have died attempting to sky dive right?"_

"_But I didn't die Q. So can you please chill the fuck out and sit down so we can have dinner?"_

"_Ugh. Fine. But you are never sky diving again okay? I'd rather not risk you dying."_

_Dinner was pleasant enough that night, until Quinn brought up my sky diving fiasco._

"_San," she said after taking a sip of her wine, "why did you have the sudden urge to sky dive or I dunno, take that motocross class? I mean, it's alright that you wanna try something new but why such drastic sports?"_

"_I told you, I just heard the sky diving thing from a guy in the office."_

"_Okay, but what about the motocross classes?"_

"_It's badass."_

"_San."_

"_Fine. I just want to feel alive even for a while okay? The adrenaline rush and the thrill make me sane. I get to stop thinking about her even for a little bit."_

"_Oh San…"_

"_I know, pathetic right?"_

"_It's not pathetic. We all have different coping strategies and yours is getting into activities that have the most probability of endangering a person. Just promise me that when you're about to do something 'adrenaline-filled' tell me first okay?"_

"_Okay Q."_

"_Love you S."_

"_Ditto."_

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It's almost Christmas and I'm here alone in Central Park, just enjoying the late afternoon sun. I decided not to sulk at home and enjoy some fresh air before the gang bugged me to go out again. I brought my camera and just took some random pictures of people as the sun went down.

Focusing on some random person across from me, I quickly felt goose bumps travel across my body when I saw the familiar blonde hair and blue eyes – eyes that were staring right at me. The person got up and just as I lowered my camera, came face-to-face with _her_.

"Hi Santana."

"Britt…" just saying her name after three months provided me with that feeling of warmth and life.

"Can I sit with you?"

"Uhm…yeah…go ahead," I scooted to the left side of the bench and watched as she gracefully lowered herself down.

I didn't know what to do or say. My mind has gone completely blank and I looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"So…yeah…uhm…how are you?" I asked.

"Good, good. And you?"

"Fine."

"San…I…I'm sorry."

"Why did you leave me?"

"I never meant to-"

"But you did. So I'm asking, why? Am I not enough for you? Did you find someone else while we were planning the wedding? 'Coz if you did, you should have just told me sooner than leaving me at the altar."

She knelt in front of me and took both my hands while I was fighting to keep the tears at bay. "I didn't find anyone else San. I love you, you know that."

I visibly flinched when she told me that she loves me. How could a simple declaration bring so much happiness yet so much pain at the same time?

"If…if you truly loved me…then why did you choose to break my heart?"

"I'm sorry…I was scared…"

"Scared of what? Of me?"

"Not of you! I was scared that I wouldn't be enough for you; that I didn't deserve you. You're so wonderful and perfect and I was just so, so scared of losing you or of you realizing that you're off better without me."

"That is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard in my whole life. You could never lose me, ever. You should know that Britt. I pledged my love to you."

"I know, and I'm so stupid for letting those thoughts mess with my love for you or your love for me. I know that I hurt you. I know that I made you suffer. I know that I'm a coward. But what I also know is that I have never stopped loving you San. Leaving you at the altar was the biggest, stupidest mistake that I have ever done and I regret that. I'm sorry for hurting you San, I never meant to."

"I forgive you Britt…but…I can't be around you, at least for now…" I said while squeezing her hands and wiping the tears off her eyes.

"I understand." She said while getting up. "San?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you…I know I don't have the right to ask, but…do you still love me?" she finished in a whisper.

I looked at her as the rays from the setting sun framed her delicate face. I looked at her as the wind slowly made her hair dance. I looked at her as the cold made her cheeks a rosy pink. I looked at her eyes filled with hope and uncertainty that seemed a deeper shade of blue against the white blanket of snow. I looked at the freckles dusted across her face which reminded me of stars against the night sky. I looked at her lips – lips that I've longed to kiss for the past three months. I looked at her and whispered –

"Always."

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**A/N: I have a new story entitled "Moments" you might want to check it out. :) Reviews are highly appreciated :)**


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